It's been a year since I was forced to stop running. Last year around this time like I did every year, I was training for the Boston Marathon. In mid-February I was supposed to do a 17 mile long run and ended up only running 7 miles. I had to stop because I had severe pain in what felt like my Achilles tendon. I know what rupture Achilles injuries are and how devastating they can be, so I stopped. I took one week off, stretched, biked, did yoga, and tried to run again. I made it to 4 miles and the pain returned. I took another week off from running and by this time I started to get worried. I was a little more aggressive with the stretching and tried running again, but this time I couldn't run one block. As soon as I tried to run, the inner side of my knee felt like it was going to collapse and I felt severe pain; it was like my bones were grinding together. I have a high tolerance for pain and I told myself I just needed to warm up. I proceeded to jog & limp alternating with walking for another 4-5 minutes and I finally gave up. I had no pain when walking and I couldn't understand why I couldn't run. I had no pain in my Achilles anymore, so what in the heck was going on with my knee now???

I work in the emergency department so as soon as I got to work that day, I had an x-ray of my knee. We looked at the x-ray and all that was there was a perfectly healthy knee. After running for over 40 years I didn't even have any arthritis. Yet, I knew there was something very wrong... So I got an MRI of the knee and sure enough... it lit up like a Christmas tree! I had so much bone marrow edema that the strongest bone in my body called it quits on me. It was literally dying. I had osteonecrosis (not to be confused with osteoporosis) in my femur. I saw an Orthopedics "sports specialist" who said to me "we have to operate right away. Today is Tuesday; I can get you in the operating room on Thursday." I looked at him and said "I'll keep in touch." Saw another Orthopedist specialist and he said "absolutely no surgery, if you do surgery the edema will get worse and you definitely will lose the knee. You don't want a knee replacement, do you?" Then I saw another sports Orthopedics specialist, a triathlete. He said "Oh, don't worry, you'll be running again in 6 months." Of course, I liked this guy! The payment for my recovery: four months of nonweight bearing. That means crutches ALL THE TIME. Have you tried to get in the bathtub or shower using only one leg? I contemplated staying home for four months and of course knew that it will cause me permanent brain damage, so I opted to continue to work. As I said, I work in the emergency department- I have to examine the patients, write prescriptions, and go from one room to the next very fast... Was I nutz already? Maybe... Looking back, I guess I was... I worked all four months in crutches, going from room to room- we have 15 rooms. Some days were pretty hard... And yes, three days out of those four months I even felt sorry for myself. I wanted for people to say "Oh, poor you!" Thank God that only lasted hours at a time and it was only for three nonconsecutive days....

Looking back at this experience I have come to bless that day that I was forced to stop. My life at that time was crazy. I was working too much- 65-70 hours a week. I was not spending much time with my family. I was obsessed with things having to be perfect. Of course, I had been like that for many years, but it seemed that it was getting worse. My priorities were wrong and my life was going away too fast, like a movie that I wasn't even a part of. It was like I was a spectator in my own life. Life was literally passing me by...

I had been running for over 40 years and running was a part of my life like water is. I ran 5-7 days a week. It was my "meditation" where I planned things, my stress reliever... Or so I thought.... I was running, yes, planning, yes, and once in a while I really enjoyed it... but I think it had become more of a routine than anything else. People who knew me kept saying "It must be driving you crazy that you can't run." Surprisingly, I was calmed about it. I knew it was a temporary thing and I also knew that there was a lesson in this experience, otherwise it wouldn't have materialized. And here the soul searching began. The real meditations started to take place. The calmness that I received from running those long miles was replaced by the inner calmness that I received after contemplating my own life, my own wisdom and knowledge and my own purpose on this Earth today. I had to experience a "growth spurt" in my emotional and spiritual side. All of a sudden I was more spiritual, more centered, more grounded. Everyday things took a deeper meaning and it wasn't ego driven anymore. It was more about my emotions and feelings and how I could let them out and share them with the world. Our family became more unified and the love bond became the only important thing to share with each other and the world. It was almost like I had been wearing these sunglasses that were not letting the light in and were not letting my own light shine through. The sunglasses came off.

My knee is all healed now. I am doing some jogging and feel great. The lesson was learned and appreciated it. I embraced the grit and welcomed the pain and the struggle because I knew that the rewards were going to be worth it. I have a sign in my library that says "Be Willing to Surrender What You are For What You Could Be" I surrendered being Neurotic, Workaholic and Perfectionist for a more Calm, Loving, and Grateful version of me. I have found that the meditative power was inside of me and was not dependent on a daily long run. Life is truly much better now. I am not a spectator anymore, but a participant, and for this I am so very grateful every single day. What a difference a year makes!